[fic] the opposite of two

[sessho08]

Title: the opposite of two
Fandom: TVXQ
Pairing: Homin
Rating: G
Words: 1019

and then you die. with his hand retracting from where it's been resting on top of yours just a moment ago. with his earnest gaze and his "it's all me," and "we had fun together, didn't we." and you're too proud to protest against the past tense. and you're too stupefied, your own blood roaring in your ears as if trying to drown out his words. "are you alright," he leans into your space again, his fingertips centimetres away from your shoulders and you don't jolt. you tense, so still that you're almost shivering and he notices because he would, because he knows you that well. you're the wise one but he moves back, takes away his offending hand. he knows.

"is that all," you try and it comes out quiet but not broken. your satisfaction is grim.
"listen, i don't want this to end like... like /this," it's his attempt and you sit a little straighter, arrange your lips into your most icy polite inquiring smile. he stutters and it's so unlike him. no further words assault you and the consideration you always loved about him feels like a slap now. it hurts, you hurt, you want to get away and out so you do just that. the chair doesn't screech when you stand up, you don't fumble with your wallet when you fish out a single note and lay it carefully next to the cup with the remnants of your latte. (of course he waited until you've drunk it all.)

"goodbye," you don't say as you gather your clothes and leave the corner table, located perfectly to give the clients a sense of privacy. the illusion's shattered as you turn into the direction of the shop's other patrons, as their conversations start trickling into your ears again. you dress as you're walking, half into your favourite scarf (a gift from him) when you leave the premises. it's cold, the air frosty even though there's been no snow yet this winter. no one yells after you, no one grabs your elbow.

at home, in the actual privacy of your own room, you don't cry. you don't cry, your dry sobs reverberate through the room instead, hands around your knees, quiet hiccups and no wetness on your cheeks.


you get over it. him. it was good. he was great. you didn't work out. fine. you bury your scarf collection at the bottom of one of the containers in your walk-in wardrobe.

you exist. you scrape by, on unwanted memories that feel too fresh and too beautiful and too real. they're not, not anymore and the thought doesn't keep you up at night. it wakes you up, an hour earlier than you would rouse normally before you got to know him, before his healthy habit rubbed off on you.

it was good, you were good. "he's still single," your friend tells you and you believe him and don't feel like a fool for it. (friend's got a tell and you'd know if he was lying.) he didn't cheat on you, he didn't end it after a horrid quarrel where you just couldn't reconcile opinions about the things you've held most dear in your heart, in your mind. he was wonderful, as wonderful as another flawed human being could be and you were happy together. you're not together and you're not happy anymore. you don't understand. you despise the fact that you can't hate him. he's done nothing wrong. he just didn't want you as much as you wanted him anymore.

it's slow. "time heals," they say, and it's bullshit, like all of these well-meaning cliches are but you repeat it to yourself every day anyway. you grind your teeth against the words and go on, go on, go on.
it gets easier. just a tiny bit and you finally cry and you dig several of your scarves out because you do love the feel of them against your neck. you bury your face in them against the strong, fresh wind that's carrying traces of spring in it.


and then you live. a wide strip of soft blue cashmere slides from your shoulders where you threw it on haphazardly, carelessly. a hand, catching it before it fully sprawls on the ground is the first of him that you see. "you were about to drop it," is followed by the warmest of smiles and you thank him profusely. it's expensive and you really like it and all that mud. the scarf is still hanging in the space between you two, you realise and you finally release it from his hold.

he beams at you, even brighter, and you want more. it hasn't happened in a while, not with this sort of intensity and it's probably it that prompts you to take a risk. he agrees and for a moment you stand here, with him, silly smiles and casual conversation before you pick a place to go to. words flow with joyous ease, bounce back and forth and it feels so light-headed. you have a great time and you go back home with an additional number in your phone, typed with lots of giggling on both parts. there's a promise too and it makes you giddy. it also makes you afraid because it reminds you of him but excitement outweights apprehension.

it's new, it's sharp-soft, it's overwhelming at times. you make sure to go slow and he adapts as he attempts to smooth out the edges of his enthusiasm. to be honest, you do the same and maybe it's a bit unfair of you to be this careful and wary when the interest is this mutual but he lets you and you're grateful. you don't thank him with words but you try to persevere through his favourite drama and when you kiss him, it's extra soft; passionate; sensual.

you walk into it with your eyes open and your heart hammering wildly in your ribcage and you give him a chance, you give it to yourself. it's all him and all you and it's too much and not enough and you let yourself love.

Comments and criticism as always much appreciated ♥

Comments

[glitterburn.livejournal.com]

I meant to say this on twitter but I liked the way you handled the dialogue here, woven in as part of the narrative and yet it's set aside, and that to me emphasises that it's narration in all sense of the word - events past and gone, even though the second person POV and present tense are pushing things forward. So there's a tension created by the style, and of course the first line is such a hook.

Random question: how do you feel about second person POV?

[je-sessho.livejournal.com]

Idk, dialogue (does this even count as dialogue tho?) under this form feels/comes more natural to me so maybe it shows? But tension, tension is good. And all of this is very nice to hear *^*

Reading or writing? ...I'll just answer re both.

You mentioned before (in our second convo ever, omg! who would have thought that things would turn out this way~) that you're not fond of it, didn't you. Me, I used to write a lot in 2P POV before - I think 90% if not more of my writing was like this? So it certainly feels comfortable and... free? When it comes to expressing emotions and such. There's also a certain pull in the fact that when writing in 2nd POV I don't need to bother with diversifying the way I refer to the main chara. Also, since I kind of love blurred lines, I never really use any names and it's easier to justify/to comprehend when I have "you" and "him" as opposed to two him's. (Ah, slash fandom *^*)
But, I'm aware that there are certain limitations that 2nd person POV implies so I made the effort to step away from it. I feel like it pushed me forward? But, even tho by now I've gotten accustomed to writing also (and mostly) in 3rd person POV, every now and then I still feel like going back? Never permanently tho :> Just to get a feel~
As for reading pieces written in 2P POV... I guess there's no aversion towards such works in me. But I feel like it's not really common? So I don't really get many chances to read stuff written in 2P POV even tho I wouldn't mind it. But I guess I do prefer/am more used to 3P POV, in general.


Um, am I rambling, I think I am. But yes. That.

[glitterburn.livejournal.com]

Your memory is prodigious! *is old and forgetful* But yes, we did talk about it before. I think there is a certain freedom to 2nd person POV - I have a whole slew of fics that were all written that way, I guess for the same reasons you state although at the time it wasn't a conscious decision and I was a lot younger, so I guess I tend to associate it with an experimental phase, so I was curious if it was the same for you. A sort of compromise (which it isn't) between deep first and deep third POV. I think for me also the 'you' seems quite commanding, it's very definite since it deliberately engages the reader.

It is an unusual POV, perhaps because of the 'command/demand' aspect. I've seen it a lot on F1 RPS, funnily enough - I'm not sure why! Some fandoms seem to lend themselves to certain POVs, maybe.

Anyway, it really works in this fic because of the ambiguity. Plus that first line is killer XD

[je-sessho.livejournal.com]

*is young and forgetful, how sad is that*
What you say about conscious deciding - it certainly wasn't something I was aware of either. I suppose I'm sort of capable of answering now since I tried out something else and since I don't really use it all that often anymore? I can look back and think and compare. But hahah, I guess I'm still very much so at an experimental stage? So it's a bit hard to say just yet. Hmmm, you're probably right re the commanding aspect of "you"? It's much more direct than 1st or 3rd person POV where the line between the chara and the reader is more clearly defined. Now that I think of it. Because ofc I've never really thought of the technicalities of it before, lol.
Idk if you'd agree but I feel like in my writing, in the pieces in 2P POV there's a bigger emphasis on the chara's emotions and thoughts? I kind of tend to avoid these when writing in 3P POV which I'm aware normally but not so when I'm in the middle of writing.

And it does seem shocking for F1 for some reason, idk XD


...was that supposed to be a pun XD Tbh, when I wrote the first line, I had no clue what the fic is going to be about. *__* I write like this sometimes. *___* "Where is this sentence going to take me~" kind of a thing.

[glitterburn.livejournal.com]

Funnily enough (and I cant recall if I said this last time we talked about it), 2nd POV is something I associate with early 20s in a writer! One of my friends used it consistently (and to devastating effect) until she hit 25 and she's since switched to 3rd!

I find a lot of your writing focuses on emotions and thoughts, even when it's not stated directly. I'm thinking of the clockwork heart fic particularly because the emotion in that was very subtle. Also the dream creation fic, you let actions speak for emotion there but in an understated way. So I agree that 2nd POV does have an intimacy and thus a focus on emotion and thought but it goes all the way through your writing.

I guess with F1 it's because the drivers are very insular when they're in the car, idk *__*

[je-sessho.livejournal.com]

We've never really talked about it? You just mentioned that you didn't normally go out of your way to read 2P POV but were curious that time. XD ...Amusing thing is - pretty sure I switched when I turned 20? My first TVXQ fics were mostly written in 2nd person POV and then 20 and puff, magically not doing it anymore. *^*

...what do you mean by "devastating effect" tho? That skillfully or...?

I suppose you're right? I don't really have advanced plots so it's mostly taking a spin on these or those emotions. So yeah, I guess I agree with you? Tho I must say I have this impression of my writing that it's a bit... distant? The emotions as well. But idk if that's what it comes across as for readers.
(Anyway, thanks <3)

...Now I'm imagining F1 drivers having ~inner journeys into the depths of their hearts~ while taking all these sharp turns. XD One would think when you're driving a car like this, all your focus goes to the very act. *_*

[glitterburn.livejournal.com]

Devastating as in skilfully, they really hurt to read but in a good way. Very thoughtful.

Distant, yes, I can see that. But I don't think it's detrimental because it goes into the whole style and atmosphere of the piece, and certainly some fics would be too painful if there wasn't that slight detachment - the amnesia one, for example. But maybe that's just me layering on my own interpretation from experience, and I think with more detached styles one can do that more easily, to a certain extent.

LOL some drivers spend the whole race complaining. The pit-to-car radio transmissions are sometimes very amusing. Such as a race engineer calling his driver 'baby' live on air XD F1 is such a gift for slashers ;)

[je-sessho.livejournal.com]

Oh and since I'm awful and forgetful - thank you a lot. For this comment as well as for all the other - it really means a lot <3

[sohii.livejournal.com]

leaving a spot~

figured I need to this time since I'll def comment but it's gonna take a couple of weeks :/ I'll come sneaking around when I get back to stkhlm (and proper interwebs) in jan ´ u `