sessho08: (a14 so)
[personal profile] sessho08
Title: with your heart on the sleeve
Fandom: TVXQ
Pairing: Homin
Rating: G
Words: 1236
A/N: AU inspired by this edit. Written in lapslock? Slightly odd as my fics tend to be.



shim changmin pawns his heart at the local pawnshop for a handful of wrinkled notes and a slightly worn out simplified mechanical equivalent. it doesn't make much of a difference - he always used his heart rather sparsely anyway.

it makes no difference at all.


==



"changmin-ah, i'm a bit cold," yunho mumbles, his words slurred with sleep, his eyes still closed.

changminnie, lie down with me, he means. it's sneaky, ingenious. they both know that changmin can't reject the plea when worded like this, when it's coming from a bed-ridden yunho lying under their thin blanket, surrounded by graying sheets. they should be washed already but there's only one set in the flat and with yunho sick and constantly in bed it's just not possible.

they rarely share the bed, usually working on different shifts and using for sleep the time when the other's not home. it's a narrow, barely long piece of old furniture but they worked out long ago how to adjust their positions to accommodate the other man, how to entangle their limbs as to save space and make it comfortable. it probably helps that changmin's innately clingy and yunho doesn't mind. it probably helps that it doesn't mean anything. that they made sure for it not to. but changmin recognises the precariousness of the balance they achieved and doesn't want to risk it.

tonight he has yet another reason to reject the sensible, deceitfully innocent request. he doesn't act on it though. he's not afraid of yunho finding out.

and yet he takes his time shedding his clothes, waits for yunho's breath to even out again as he shivers standing in his boxers and a thin undershirt only in the cold room. when he finally lies down his movements are stilted and cautious as not to jolt yunho out of his shallow slumber. it's not enough, he knows right away as yunho shifts anyway and his fingers wander lightly over the expanse of changmin's chest to fasten at his bicep. as yunho's head follows in their trace to rest over the(concealed with layers of skin and muscles and bones) gaping hole where changmin's heart used to be.

"it makes me feel safe," "it helps me fall asleep," yunho has never said either of these but they were both aware of this need of his and changmin sometimes indulged him in it, especially when he was sick. (how lucky of them that, like now, it usually was caused by exhaustion and as such wasn't contagious.)

the device that's now pumping the blood through his veins instead of his heart is old and had many different owners before but it still works fine and mostly without glitches. the device sounds nowhere close to what his heartbeats used to be like.

yunho's too gone to notice.


===

yunho feels better in the morning. when unwelcoming harsh rays of dawn hit changmin's eyelids and force him to open his eyes, the other man's already made the connection.

changmin wakes up to the expression of betrayal etched deep on yunho's face.

"changmin. what did you do," he demands instantaneously when changmin props himself easily with his elbows on the dented pillow, no burdens resting at his chest weighing him down anymore.

"i brought money. and bought your medicine." he's not having this conversation while in bed, barely dressed and vulnerable. he's not having this conversation at all, certainly not now. "i'm going to work now," he puts the distance between them, entangling quickly from the sheets and out of the bed before yunho manages to say anything more.

"changmin."

he dresses in the record time. "i'll eat something at work. will be back in the evening," he drops over his shoulder in lieu of both acknowledgment and good-bye.

"changmin!" judging by the sounds yunho tries to get up but he's still too weak which means he won't manage to try anything too stupid. changmin doesn't look back as he leaves.


===


"why," is the first word that greets him in the evening. yunho's face is deceptively blank but the sounds leaving his lips jarringly flat.

"you know why, yunho," his own words are calm and devoid of any inflection.

"it's okay. i've got a mechanical equivalent from the pawnshop, i'm not going to die," he lets some colour to bleed into what he says, making his tone light and cheerful. it's low of him and yunho blanches, no doubts recognising the words for what they are - but an echo of his own explanation from not that long ago.

"yunho, it's your fucking /kidney/," he shouted then.
"it's okay, changminnie! i had two of these after all!" yunho beamed at him, as if that made everything alright, as if he didn't just pawn a part of his body just so he could buy them some rice.



he's being cruel, he's well aware of it. he also knows it's not enough. yunho proves him right as he continues, his voice tinted with just the slightest hint of hurt.

"but this is your heart, your heart, changmin." (it's not enough.)

"and exactly because it was a heart, i got much more money than i'd have if i had pawned anything else. and i told you already - i've got a more than functional spare," he smiles slightly. "besides, it's not like i had any use for it," he adds for a good measure, knowing it's going to hurt, hoping the pain's going to be sufficient.

with yunho, no amount of it ever is.

"what, did you have something on mind?" it's wonderful, this friendship of theirs. childhood friends, co-workers, roommates that understand each other without words. forever too stubborn to voice out the dangerous things, the things that matter, to be the first one to say them. right now, it gives changmin a huge advantage.


normally, they're good at toeing the line. years of experience - first drawing the line and then trying out how much they can bend it, how far they can go without actually crossing it. what's permissible and what's too much - they never talked about it but they know the boundaries.
the never voiced nor acted upon desires - they feel them instinctively too. and so, changmin knows. yunho would never hazard what was(n't) between them so he never mentioned it. changmin knows anyway. of yunho's secret silly—impossible—dream of their hearts being officially exchanged, the pointless act written down in their files.

yunho's pale with anger and hurt now, "how could you" visible in the slight glassiness of his eyes.

"anyway, i bought some rice today. you need to eat to get better for real," changmin doesn't give him a chance to recover. "i'll fix you something nutritious. maybe porridge," he muses aloud and it marks the end of the conversation.


===


yunho eventually recovers, as he always does. the additional supply of food probably plays quite a role in it but neither mentions it, although yunho does take upon himself a half-shift more at work.

they don't talk about it. they talk about many other things, they crack jokes and sometimes they even laugh. they still share the bed every now and then like they did before, they still share the tiny living space of their flat and the hours that they get between their two alternative shifts.

shim changmin no longer has a heart. and shim changmin, he lives on.




A/N: If anyone's interested - this fic is actually a bit expanded/altered version of this idea (that had a sligtly different vibe to it, I guess).


Comments and criticism as always much appreciated ♥

Date: 2012-10-14 03:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] glitterburn.livejournal.com
So I was thinking about this one and comparing it with your dreamscape fic, in atmosphere rather than content, and it struck me that (for me at any rate) what you do so exquisitely well with these pieces is that you're exploring a facet of character (or facets, but one always comes to the surface more, it seems) that's presented by Yunho or Changmin IRL which is always more than superficial. You explore that facet/personality trait by turning it back on itself and in a sense, asking the reader to look deeper. And that's what's so interesting about this, in a fandom (kpop in general, any bandom in general) that's largely built on superficial appeal.

I read something this morning about Changmin being unemotional or at least emotionally stunted, so this was a timely fic. The link of physical heart and emotional heart is very well explored here, I think; Changmin swapping his heart for a mechanical heart in order to buy medicine and food for Yunho is so very sensible. It's just an organ and it can be replaced easily enough; this is rational and logical.

But for Yunho, the heart is tied so much into emotion - I loved that he needed Changmin's heartbeat to sleep (like a baby animal OMG mush) and it's the difference in sound that alerts him to the change when he's awake enough to understand what's happened. And yet Yunho gave up a kidney and thinks nothing of it, but the loss of the heart is far worse, just because of the emotion we choose to embody within that organ. Which again returns to the 'look again, look deeper' aspect of your fics. We give credence, and therefore power, to things that don't necessarily deserve to have that level of credence or power. Am I even making sense here *__*

Changmin is still the same without his 'real' heart. Possibly he's more human than before because of the sacrifice - he feels vulnerable when Yunho realises what he did, and a man who didn't feel, who didn't have a heart, would never feel vulnerable or defensive. You put these perceptions right in our face and then demolish them in such an evocative way.

Also, the entire paragraph starting normally, they're good at toeing the line is flat-out brilliant. Especially the bit about Yunho wanting to exchange hearts with Changmin as a metaphor for all the unspoken emotions between them, because that brings a whole other layer to the fic.

'genre:weirdness' is so wrong. It should be 'genre:profound'. Because it is. Really.

Date: 2012-10-14 08:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thier-sess.livejournal.com
That's a really interesting interpretation, I haven't really thought of my writing in this way? My writing process is rarely a conscious thing, I mostly just write by instinct without pondering too much, so as silly as that sounds, I never quite know what this or that piece was supposed to mean. But I guess I may just be doing that? Latching onto one thing and exploring it, putting a spin on it, successfully to a bigger or smaller extent. But yes, in RPF fandoms we're basically operating on images that we're shown and then images that are already digested and altered by us, fans and it's fun(?) to play with all these. Not that I know what I'm doing but let's pretend I do.

Haha, well, I'm glad I gave you some food for thought with such accurate timing? And it's a rather fascinating perception of him, isn't it? Where did you read it tho? Tumblr?

I suppose quite a part of Yunho's hurt lay in the fact that a) Changmin sort of "stepped on" his hope of exchanging the hearts (which's not really the same thing as marriage but in a way as official as it gets? and well, very carnal), b) he did so behind his back. Which's more than a bit unfair since it's not anything he hasn't done either? And while I didn't exactly state it in the fic, for the body parts that come in double, there are no equivalents offered. But ofc he doesn't perceive it in quite the same way because of the values that we attach to certain things that you mentioned. On the other hand it's not like Changmin didn't live with similar preconceived conceptions, so the fact that he did it nevertheless (esp. being aware of Yunho's stance), is rather meaningful too. ...Or something. I may be rambling *___*

And yes, that's true. Changmin's feelings towards Yunho stay unchanged. It's because of them that he did that and it's because he still has them, none the less true and honest, that the situation hurts him too.



And now let me say how much your comment meant to me and how thankful I am for such a thoughtful (and kind!) review. Thank you for an awesome comment ♥

Date: 2012-10-14 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] light-on-oceans.livejournal.com
the comment above mine expresses all my feelings more eloquently than i could ever, haha~
i loved this fic though and the way changmin tries to convince himself that his mechanical heart is no different but in actuality it makes a whole world of difference :P
mem'ming~

Date: 2012-10-18 12:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thier-sess.livejournal.com
Ahaha, it often happens, doesn't it? "Omg, someone above just said so many nice things, what do I do now with myself D:"

In some ways it does, in some it doesn't. I guess it depends on one's perception?

Thanks for reading and commenting~ I'm flattered by the mem ♥
(deleted comment)

Date: 2012-10-18 12:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thier-sess.livejournal.com
I didn't really put it into words in my head but you're right, it can be seen that way too~

Thank you for your nice words ♥ Glad you liked it~

Date: 2012-10-14 08:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparklypoga.livejournal.com
I love how this fic is about heart - the age-old discussion/debate/? about whether your heart defines your emotions, your feelings, your ability to love. Scientifically - as Changmin looks at it - it's just an organ. It beats to pump his blood through his body, and a mechanical one replacing it does the same. But emotionally, abstractly - as Yunho looks at it - it is your heart in all definitions, from an organ to your ability to love. And the exploration of this idea, and how it seems that Changmin losing his heart means something is lost, something is different and cannot be taken back.

But the last line, "shim changmin no longer has a heart. and shim changmin, he lives on." is what i love because, he doesn't have a heart, but he still lives and if he lives, he can still love. He can still do everything as he did before, just with a different kind of heart.

And that makes me think of how that matters most to Changmin - that Yunho lives. He can give up his heart as long as Yunho stays strong and stays alive, because to him that's more important than his heart. And in a way, that's Changmin giving Yunho his heart - literally, he gives Yunho the food and medicine that his heart gained, but metaphorically, all of that is really his heart. He didn't really lose his heart or even give it up in this way - it's Yunho's now, and Yunho needs to keep Changmin's heart safe so Changmin can live, because as long as Changmin has Yunho, he can live. Or it seems like that to me? Or. Or. I'm not good with deep things really, or analyzing...but. Yes.

Date: 2012-11-01 10:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] je-sessho.livejournal.com
One very overdue reply coming right up \o/

First of all - thank you for such an awesome comment ♥ It was so lovely and spot-on that I kept avoiding it since I didn't know what to say back. (Sometimes I do that, especially when I'm busy :< Awful, I'm aware of that.) So yeah, let me tell you that I just nodded my way through your whole comment cause it resonated with me so much~

Here comes a disclaimer of sorts - I often write with my brain off? *__* I can never quite tell anyone what this or that story is about since I don't think about it/don't plan it, I just let my subconsciousness word-vomit all over the Word/paper XD So I don't really label my fics nor interpret them by myself.
That said - I haven't really perceived this as a part of the debate you mentioned but you're completely right about this. I guess I enjoy exploring things like these - concepts, their various perceptions.


Yes, that's true. Idk if you saw the tag version of it but I really wanted to wrap this fic up with a similar line? Things happened between Yunho and Changmin, they affected some things, they left some other intact but in a way, what's done is done? It's more important how they're going to proceed from now on, how they're going to live. How they're going to let what happened influence them, shape them, change them.

He didn't really lose his heart or even give it up in this way - it's Yunho's now, and Yunho needs to keep Changmin's heart safe so Changmin can live, because as long as Changmin has Yunho, he can live.

I really love this bit ♥ It's sort of perfect, ahhh.


...So yeah, I'd say you're faring at this analysing thing pretty well 8D Much better than I do. And you made me feel deeper than I am, lol.

Date: 2012-10-15 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trish3815.livejournal.com
He loves Yunho... by giving up his heart and getting a replacement is him loving Yunho without having to say it out loud..
Yunho kind of feels it but Changmin doesn't want to talk about it..

"they're good at toeing the line. years of experience - first drawing the line and then trying out how much they can bend it,
how far they can go without actually crossing it. what's permissible and what's too much - they never talked about it but they know the boundaries.
the never unvoiced nor acted upon desires - they feel them instinctively too. and so, changmin knows. yunho would never hazard what was(n't)
between them so he never mentioned it. changmin knows anyway. of yunho's secret silly—impossible—dream of their hearts being officially exchanged,"

Loved it!!

Date: 2012-10-18 12:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thier-sess.livejournal.com
He does but for many reasons what he did is a bitter pill to swallow for both of them.

Thank you for reading and commenting ♥ Glad you enjoyed it!

Date: 2012-10-17 11:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] screaminpka.livejournal.com
this is beautiful, and so does all the comments above - basically have said what i have in mind.
thank you for writing this piece of gem <3

Date: 2012-10-18 12:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thier-sess.livejournal.com
Thank you for reading! Glad you enjoyed it ♥

Date: 2012-10-19 12:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] subtleteas.livejournal.com
I guess I'm a little late in commenting, because everyone who commented before me has already said everything I want to say. But this was absolutely beautiful. Pawning his heart is such a Changmin thing to do, and just the fact that Changmin's greatest concern over losing his real heart was Yunho's reaction speaks so much about their relationship. I also loved the whole "toeing the line" part.
Memming this!

Date: 2012-10-29 12:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thier-sess.livejournal.com
...I'm even tardier in replying to this lovely comment but, thank you ♥ I'm really glad you enjoyed this and took the time to comment~ And having it memm'd is really flattering.

Date: 2012-10-30 07:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sohii.livejournal.com
let us skip past the fact that I've only read this now instead of when you first posted because good fics need to be saved! and rationed! for times of great need such as was tonight. but. yes.

;;

lots of ;;

this was such a lovely piece (again!) but before I'm gonna write you a proper comment, I need to collect my thoughts and try to figure out a sensible way of putting them. beause asdfgkljgdfsökfm just isn't a very constructive comment now is it :I

(so this is me leaving a spot. that really should not take several sentences since all it requires is one word ehehe some day I will learn, I swear it. )

Date: 2012-10-31 02:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sohii.livejournal.com
oh. where to begin.

since you so nicely requested it, I will give you the colour first. (oh dear, this is so stupid adljshgh /o\) okay, I googled around to see if I could find a word for the shade I was looking for but couldn't. then again, I'm not that good with colour names so that may be part of the reason too. this fic was an old golden/copper shade, the kind that so worn it doesn't shine and you can't see your reflection anymore. and black, sort of smudged over the gold. another detail, though not about the colour, but I guess somewhat related is that you'd have to look at it in the dark, or at least in poor lighting. definitely not in daylight. WOW THIS MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL HI

the length of this was just right. when I got to the end and realized that there were only three paragraphs left, I instantly went nonono, I must make her write more, *insert the greatest 'nooooooooooo' of doom here* and then you wrap the whole thing up so neatly in that last part. just how woman, what sorcery is this. I mean, if you ever happen to feel like continuing, please, by all means. but this stands own its own. could probably ride a bike all on its own too, I dare say. it doesn't leave anything open, their relationship is defined, their future, if not crystal clear (mind the pun), predictable.

the device sounds nowhere close to what his heartbeats used to be like.

this is the core of it: changmin is adament that nothing is different yet yunho can instantly tell the change. this duality (?? you know when I tweeted about what words are? this is that moment) of their relationship was captivating, from how they rarely share a bed, yet know how to fit on one together, to not being able to say out loud how you feeland yet changmin simply pawns his heart for yunho. their words did not quite match their actions.

then of course, this all revolves changmin giving away his heart. that though he doesn't give his heart to yunho, he gives it for him. even though they aren't anything more than friends. that unselfishness of giving away his heart for someone else, isn't that what all the love methapors are about? yet at the same time, it's incredibly selfish of him. he takes away a chance from them, from yunho. he's forcing yunho to be the one give up his heart alone, undoing the plan of them sharing hearts.

yunho eventually recovers, as he always does.

this. this, because it means so much more than just the cold at first read. and when you move on, it's no longer that yunho survived depsite what changmin did but because of it. a very lovely set-up writing wise.

what I love and/or hate, I really don't know which, is how this doesn't make me sad. it didn't make want to have a fix-it fic, or a sequel. like I said, this is excellent on its own, I was most pleased with the ending. I don't really know how to describe how this made me feel. content in a way, I suppose. because at the end, things weren't bad. they were okay. not good, but you can't always have that. I can see this one being one of those fics I come back to when I get bored of the occasional repetitiveness of ficdomland.

he always used his heart rather sparsely anyway. it makes no difference at all.

the last thing I thought of, as I reread the fic and then went through it backwards (silence, this is normal procedure when commenting) is that, was changmin right about this. did having a mechanical heart make a difference? in the end, they're where they started, easing back to what they were before he pawned his heart. so it makes me wonder, would there've been a difference if he had kept his real heart, dared to spend some of it on yunho?

Date: 2012-11-01 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] je-sessho.livejournal.com
(asdfgkljgdfsökfm is very much appreciated too, tho 8D)

by which i mean, sohiiiiii, let me love you ;~~; your comments, they make people's days ;; (or at least this one sure made mine). so yeah, thank you for this oh so wonderful comment ♥ i'm not worthy, really.

lol, i guess i'm flattered that you'd consider my fic something to be saved for a rainy day~ (but truth to be told i wrote this back in july and didn't post it right away cause i was very unsure of it. so it's not like it's very fresh in my mind or anything XD)


this is not stupid, this should be a fixed feature *___* it's so, so fascinating~ in my mind most of my fics are sort of grey-ish? so to know that they can bring to mind such a flurry of colours is quite amazing/unbelievable.

i'm really relieved that you think so about the length since it was one of my concerns? i never quite know with such shorts pieces whether they can work in the current state or need expansion. and i've kind of gotten used to doing all these fic dumps - to the extent that i often wonder what deserves to be posted separately :<
and idk, i assume you saw the tag version of this? so re ending, i just really really wanted to close it with a similar phrase. this was also one of these fics that i actually had more or less planned out and sort of knew what i wanted to include in it? so maybe that helped, idk. and lol, i neither plan (buahahaha) nor desire to continue this one. i wanted it to end similarly, i didn't want it to be a massive story.


i suppose it all comes down to each's emotions and the meanings they attach to certain things and acts? you could say they're both right and they're both wrong but more than that, what matters is how they're going to deal with what happened and proceed?
and yes to what you said of selflessness vs./plus selfishness. i guess i kinda like exploring this theme?



the line about yunho eventually recovering - i suppose it can be interpreted this way too? ...but between the two of us, i wanted it to clash with the changmin doesn't give him a chance to recover line from the previous paragraph as well as play with the duality of physical vs. mental/spirit recovery, maybe make people doubt the statement? but yes, you're right about the because vs. despite thing :>


and i must say i'm conflicted about your confusion too *___* i guess i kinda wanted it to hurt, haha /sadist. but from what people have been saying about this, it appears as if i've ended up writing something more... maybe not optimistic per se, but hmmm hopeful despite the odds than i thought i have? less of a heartbreak, more of bittersweetness? ...idk, fic is complicated lol.


and was he~ tbh, idk either. *^* the are some things in my writing that i leave up to interpretation, coming from myself included.

also! i'm a bit perplexed by these two comments? :<

> he's forcing yunho to be the one give up his heart alone, undoing the plan of them sharing hearts.

> so it makes me wonder, would there've been a difference if he had kept his real heart, dared to spend some of it on yunho?

i'm not sure what you mean about yunho having to give up his heart alone and changmin daring to spend some of his real heart on yunho.


gah, you people force me to actually analyse what my subconsciousness produced and i'm guessing the results should come with the "excuse this lady please as her intepretation of the stuff she wrote may be faulty" disclaimer 8DDD sorry if my words are confusing /o\

i'm so long-winded OTL

again, thank you for this amazing comment, sohii ♥

Date: 2012-11-08 11:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sohii.livejournal.com
what is this about worthiness, shush now, you most certainly are worth all the long rambly comments<3

oh trust me, your fics are way up in the 'it's blowing so fucking much you're not sure if you're window is gonna blow in or not so you're huddled under two blankets and if this is the last thing you're gonna read in this life, you're pretty damn okay with it' category.

and I don't have colours for my own fics either /o/ or do I. crap. NO, NOT GONNA GO DOWN THIS ROAD LADIDAA no colours to be seen here, nope. butbutbut. I can make the colours are fixed feature for you :D:D a special offer just for you, lady /waggles eyebrows

when it comes to the lengths of fics, if you feel it's done and that it doesn't need more to be understood and that it has a conclusive ending, that's an a-okay? that's. how I see it :D but then again, I think our writing styles are very different so I wouldn't know :D: I think this was just perfect because really, it doesn't need anything else. an opening that explains the main idea, an explanation of how things were before what they become now and a strong ending. it couldn't really be better than that.

I FEEL LIKE I WON AN AWARD, I INTERPRETED SOMETHING YOU REALLY MEANT \o/

what matters is how they're going to deal with what happened and proceed?

but do they, really? they just fall back into old tracks and ignore things. or. that's how I perceive the ending, I don't know if that's what you meant /o\ changmin giving away his heart is basically the grandest of gestures and it's still not enough to make them say anything real out loud.

gahh I wish I could explain better how this fic makes me feel /o\ I mean, it's a bit sad but somehow I think it borderlines on pity? for the both of them because changmin did what he had to to keep them together but at the same time, he gave away the chance they had. so hmm, I guess bittersweet is a good word for it. just not in the heartbreaking way but in a more 'oh I hope you'll be happy with this too' kind of way.

... I knew those two things wouldn't make any sense, ahaha, they did to my sleep deprived brain though, now lets see if I still understand what I was trying to say.

hmm. the first was. reflecting back on the selfishness? forcing yunho to take the leap of faith for them by making it impossible for himself. yes, that sounds about right.

the other is about the beginning and the mention about giving away his heart making no difference. so I was sort of just playing with the idea that if he had kept his heart, would there have been a difference then? would things between him and yunho be different if (and again the mention of not using his heart) he had used some on yunho? in other words, if giving his heart made no difference, would keeping it have caused a change?

(I wish I could promise that I'll never comment on stuff after 3am so I won't confuse you by my late night delirium but I am afraid such is my nature :D:)

Date: 2012-11-22 10:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] je-sessho.livejournal.com
ohii, you're such a flatter. if you keep feeding me with such incredibly lovely words, i'll become even more snobbish/stuck-up and what then :< /melts into an entitled poodle of goo



I can make the colours are fixed feature for you :D:D a special offer just for you, lady /waggles eyebrows

you've just been taken upon your offer, no taking back muahaha and your own fics. so do have colours too 8DDD you just have to look closer~

hmmm, i can sometimes tell that something can work as a finished entity? like say, poison, that addicted to people!yunho ficlet. ofc i could write more and continue it but otherwise it's self-contained and doesn't really need continuation per se. but it's too short and idk, didn't feel worthy getting its own entry? hence why it ended up with other scraps.
but as a whole i have pretty hard time deciding when something is ready to go (and, i guess, deserving?) and when not.
but yeah, this one belongs to the former category and i felt that that's the point to which i wanted to take it. (i just kind of hated it lol.)


hmmm, not dealing is a way of dealing too? idk, i guess you're right about them being back to the square one. at least as far as their actions are concerned. but the awareness has been altered? some things have shifted underneath the surface and it may lead to some actual changes, may break the status quo of their current relationship. but it may as well not. while i haven't really wandered into their future much with my thoughts, in my mind they don't really make that step? at least not in a while. i don't rule out the possibility tho. but i guess one can wonder what it'd have to take for it to become reality.

so hmm, I guess bittersweet is a good word for it. just not in the heartbreaking way but in a more 'oh I hope you'll be happy with this too' kind of way.

that's another thing i suppose? the way i see it, this certainly isn't a happy ending? things are raw and they hurt (the second last paragraph) and it's not the same as much as they'd like to pretend otherwise. but i'm kind of ruined by CLAMP? and the "happiness comes in all forms" message of theirs. so while it's not wholly satisfying, while they never may enter into another stage of their relationship, at the end of the day, they care? they're the most important thing in the other's life. it may be not enough in some people's eyes or it may be even not enough for the people involved but idk.

like i just said on twitter - i have no idea what i'm talking about~

in other words, if giving his heart made no difference, would keeping it have caused a change?

yunho would cough up his lungs hmmm, i didn't think of that tbh? but i don't think it would? like i said before - the sacriface that changmin made shifted things even if not on the surface. so if he didn't do that, idt much would change, they'd just continue in the same manner as before. and maybe next time yunho would sell something else beacause hey, it wasn't that bad last time, right. (possibly, this time it was? just another food for thought.)




...gosh, i have no clue wtf is this comment. XD

once more - thank you, sohii ♥

Date: 2012-12-14 12:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sohii.livejournal.com
/collects goo in jar and puts it on display

/pockets heart

fyi, you are not getting these back.

I have dug my own grave this time, haven't I :D:DD but ah, I don't mind telling you about the colour, though I stand firm behind the fact that they are just plain silly and weird, but if it pleases you~ m(__)m AND SILENCE MY FICS HAVE NO SUCH THINGS. I even thought back on my calendar entries and they don't. so. there! /sticks out tongue.

we really need to work on this hating your own fics -thing * ^ * because they do not deserve it :C

I feel like I've said this before but I'm not sure?? so. here we go again if I have :D:DD others never know what else you intended to include in a fic, so it's harder to judge whether it's 'complete' or not. I find it hard sometimes to know when I've told enough to get my point across and when I've rambled on numingly long. but I think that when it comes to fics you feel are complete and don't need any more, then they deserve to stand on their own, not be hidden in a drabble dump. just because it's short doesn't mean it's any worse than longer things. sometimes shorter things pack more punch or can me endlessly more insightful than a longer one ever could.

I wouldn't call this a happy ending either, but I refuse to admit to it being a sad one either 'D they're the most important thing in the other's life. well, you said it really. they don't need to take things further for it to be a happy ending, this is more than satisfying as it is ´ u `

OH YEAH UMM TOTALLY DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT YUNHO BEING SICK THERE AT THE BEGINNING HAHAHA WHOOPS /hides in shame.

Date: 2012-11-12 02:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fixmypapercut.livejournal.com
this was amazing and made me ponder over so many things. changmin the rational one, who views the heart as it is - merely a device to pump blood to the rest of the body, and can easily be replaced by the wonders of science nowadays - whereas yunho the dreamer views the heart as a symbol of love, of giving and receiving love, something yours and no one else's, something irreplaceable. i loved the fact that they try to cross the boundaries and test each other's waters, a sign of how close they are ; and the fact that yunho lets go and forgives changmin for selling his heart (something they both know yunho needs because of his perceptions of love etc) was an amazing way to show how their r/s works - give and take, accepting, forgiving.

im rambling but this is a wonderful, wonderful piece of work with even more wonderful comments, you are an amazing writer and im glad i stumbled upon this fic :) lots of love ♥

Date: 2012-12-09 12:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] je-sessho.livejournal.com
Sorry for the terribly late reply! I have this thing where I put off replying to lovely comments since it's so hard to find words to thank with and then I forget and suddenly, a month has passed. Anyway, I'm really glad you liked my fic. What you said about it making you muse about many things is incredibly flattering too.

I find your interpretation of the ending most curious. It's not quite how I envisioned it but seems like most people came to the same conclusion as you did. In a way Yunho lets go because he loves Changmin too much not to? But whether he forgives him is another matter entirely. At least it's how I saw it in my head but I rarely set things in stone when I write and it may be just one of these instances where readers take the work to much deeper levels and make it their own. (Which is amazing thing to happen for an author, I suppose~)


Thank you for adding yet one more wonderful comment to this fic ♥ It almost feels like too much, haha~

Date: 2013-05-16 06:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xuewentoh.livejournal.com
I just- I'm-

Okay, so in Mandarin there's this phrase "淡淡的憂傷", which, when roughly translated to English, can be framed crudely as "light sorrow", with an elegance to it. To me that permeates this entire piece. Shim's selling his heart that's done slightly, just slightly to spite Jung, who you've implied to have done the same thing before, the dystopian feel of the setting, the invisible line that they both know but never cross, and the relationship that could have been but never was. Brilliant. >

Date: 2013-07-08 09:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] je-sessho.livejournal.com
♥♥♥

I know all these kanjis, I can read them in Japanese and guess the meaning 8DDDD /shuts up

Khem.

Thank you for this lovely comment ;; I was really hesitant about this piece for some time and was wondering whether I should post it or not but when I gathered my courage and did it, everyone was so kind with their comments that I sjdfghj.

Idk it really means a lot when people like this one ;;

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